It was about halfway through one of my early church appointments. We were living in a church-owned parsonage, and the Trustees decided our kitchen needed new paint. They offered to do it themselves, but said it would be easier if we were out of the house. So the next time we visited Paula’s parents, they went to work.
When we came home two weeks later, the kitchen was painted, and it looked great. But some of the church women had taken the opportunity to go through and inspect the house, which we had not agreed to or known about. That quickly progressed to “helping us be more organized.” They greeted us on our return and proudly showed us around. That’s when one woman announced, “Pastor, we threw out your trash cans. They looked pretty old, so we got you some new ones.”
We were a little startled at that. How did these women know whether some particular trash can might have sentimental value? How did they know we would appreciate their taste in trash cans?
Paula is pretty easygoing, so if it had stopped at trash cans, she probably would have just written it off as their attempt to be helpful. But it didn’t stop there. We discovered that they had gone through our closets, and even reorganized the kitchen drawers! This was much more than being helpful. This was a serious invasion of privacy.
To be fair, the people at this particular church had reason to be nosy about what happened in their parsonage. They had strictly respected the privacy of the previous pastor. It wasn’t until he was reassigned that they discovered he had three dogs which he apparently never let out of the house. When he moved out and we moved in, the carpet throughout the whole house was so bad it had to be completely replaced, and the church was stuck with the bill. So I can understand their concerns. But that doesn’t excuse poking into our closets and drawers behind our backs.
Clear boundaries help preserve peace and guarantee justice. God even commanded the Israelites, You must not move your neighbor’s boundary marker (Deuteronomy 19:14). What are the boundaries between your private life and your obligations as pastor? Probably everyone agrees there need to be some. Probably everyone thinks they are obvious. And probably everyone would be surprised, if not shocked, at what everyone else thinks. Those church ladies had no intention of invading our privacy. They were just trying to help. But that’s not how it felt to us. And who knows what kind of gossip they might have started?
Your personal space, time, and money belong to you and your family. They are not subject to oversight or judgment by anyone else.
You can’t risk assuming everyone knows the boundaries. You need a written policy, or at least a clear verbal understanding, about these areas:
- Personal space: Who has the key to the pastor’s office? Under what circumstances may the key be used? The same question applies if the pastor lives in church-owned housing.
- Personal time: When is it not acceptable to call the pastor at home, or visit unannounced? This should be expressed in non-working hours of the day, non-working days of the week, and vacation weeks of the year.
- Personal finances: A cartoon showed two people in a grocery store pointing and whispering: “Look, there’s the pastor, blowing our tithe on soda and potato chips!” I encourage you to tithe, and to use yourself as an example when you preach about giving. Beyond that, what you do with your salary is nobody’s business but your own.
- Exceptions: What constitutes an emergency that would justify violating one of the above rules?
There’s an old saying, “Good fences make good neighbors.” (That’s taken on new meaning for me since we retired to a place where, more than once, the neighbor’s cows have come into our flower garden.) If you haven’t already, prayerfully set up the fences.
Talk with your family about what kinds of boundaries they need. Talk with other pastors about their experiences. Draft a policy you are comfortable with and present it to your church leaders. Do it with love, do it with grace, but do it with firmness. Help your leaders see how they would feel if they were in your position. Consider quoting the Golden Rule.
When you became a pastor, you didn’t give up your rights as a person. Your spouse and children, if you are so blessed, certainly didn’t. A clear set of boundaries is an important way to protect your family, yourself, and your ministry. Nobody has the right to just come in and throw out your trashcans.
Thank you, Pastor, for the sacrifices you make, and the grace with which you make them. And thank you for standing firm when the people demand sacrifices that God doesn’t.
Let me pray for you:
Lord God, I thank you for the pastor reading this right now. Grant them wisdom in setting boundaries and grace in enforcing them. Give them understanding church leaders who will stand by them in this. And when boundaries are violated, grant them patience, forgiveness, and humor.
I pray in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen.
The above first appeared in issue 12 of the Thank You, Pastor! newsletter, June 19, 2024.
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